Time has gone on since my last entry, as if it would stand still because I have cancer. The LORD has been teaching me so much along the way. Most importantly is to stop, something I've struggled with my entire life.
"Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth."- Psalm 46:10
There are so many things I can't do right now, I'm forced to contemplate many hours as I try to get rest.
For one thing I was struck by the fact I've never personally carried a friend through a serious illness. I've known people who have been sick but I've never taken it upon myself to encourage them through this event: sending a card, visiting, calling, making meals, cleaning, and offering my whole self. It is so easy to demonstrate compassion at the moment someone is diagnosed but to be a Good Samaritan we've learned of in Sunday School and seeing someone through is difficult. You have your own life and concerns. Struggles another is going through quickly vanish in the sea of self. I confess this to you because I'm on the receiving end and wonder sometimes why I was so self-consumed and how these people do it to keep measly old me at the top of their list of priorities. I've always thought of myself as thoughtful. HAH! What a joke! It is so easy for me to come up with 10 people I've let down, it pierces my heart with guilt and shame.
Why would God give me what I haven't given to others? To have "a friend that sticks closer than a brother" is something real. It's something I've never been. Despite my shortcomings though, God blesses me with them. Thank you, Jesus.
I also have a family: a mother, a father, a sister, a husband, a daughter and so many more members that love me in ways I never realized. Every day is like an earthquake that shakes my very core and being. Again, why me? Why am I so blessed?
Some may think I'm crazy. How can she feel so blessed in the midst of this? It's incomprehensible but the Holy Spirit fills you in these times- if you would just let Him work in you. He gives you reasons to praise Him when on the outside, you may ask "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The answer is not hard to find, I am a child of the King. I've given myself to do whatever He pleases because the Father really does know best. God loves me intimately in every cell that makes up my being. How do I know, that I know, that I know? Because of YOU. My friends. My family.
Experiencing the Comforter calm my fears. The Healer touch my body and give me rest. The Deliver taking words I cannot utter to the very throne of God.
Have I changed? Yes. Has it been hard? Yes. Do I want to continue? That's hard to say. I don't wish upon myself cancer but through it I can see the makings of God so much clearer. I'm being still. I'm knowing God. My prayer is that you too would see Him more clearly as well and make decisive changes to be HIS face in the lives of others who so desperately need Him. I cry for those who do not know HIM and cannot fathom how they face every day. Send them a note, call, visit, clean their house, hug them, and show them God's face.
I would like to say a special thank you to Rachel (my baby sister) who has become my official secretary and driver. It never crossed my mind you'd ever have to take care of me, I could never ask for a better sister. I love you.
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